Day Out

I'm getting out of the apartment again today. Apparently there's a reasonable band presence out here, so I'm going to look for some hot spots. Maybe a cafe or something I can carve a nook in, because there's definitely something that feels . . . It's hard to explain. I'm thinking of finding a new place to stay altogether. It's like the apartment's already been taken or something. It's like something's festering. At any rate, I'm not spending tonight here. Not after last night.

At least I'm good without my cane for today. I feel like it's going to rain though.

Hiding Out

Us Four (Gavin, Vinnie, Lex, and I) had our own sort of terror alert system, which didn't so much account for our level of watchfulness as it did for the level of wigging out we were doing.

1 - The least wigged out, which was those stretches of several days where it was as though there was really nothing the matter. No odd feelings, cold flashes, getting jumpy because we might have thought we saw something. Just total normalcy.

2 - Where we probably were the most often, if you take the length of time into account. Here wasn't much different from 1, except we stuck together more because there were those odd feelings and we did occasionally probably glimpse Him.

3 - We stayed in pairs because He would be lurking about town. We'd see Him one or two times a day, unless we were careful not to look.

4 - He'd be right outside, and we'd secure a part of the house and stay there together all day, trying to keep an eye on Him and wait Him out. It was like playing chicken, seeing which one of us would make a move first. Sometimes He would just leave, but not before coming right up to the windows or something.

5 - He comes in the house. Mad scramble. Shooting. Lex and Gavin yelling expletives at the top of their lungs, trying to out-do eachother. Get into the first car we see and drive without stoppping.

I think I'm somewhere about a 3 right now, except I have no one to pair off with so I'm trying to stay where there's a moderate amount of people, but not too many. Right now, though, everything's closed, so I'm on the floor in the kitchen eating chips and listening to the local rock station and pretending it's Gav and the boys.

- Daisy
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Matter of Fact

I'm always interested in other people's reasons for writing these blogs. It's different for everyone. They say it's for posterity, for sanity, for reaching out to other people like them or for finding that single missing person. Some people do it out of obsession. For me, I think it's a little bit of each (except, thank goodness, obsession). It's something else too, though. Something much more simple: somebody asked me to. 


And Gav always said, "For f---'s sake, you've never minced words before. Don't start when you write this thing." So I'm not going to. 


You see, I'm passed the point of being afraid of Him, and lord I hope you never get here. Oh, yeah, I'm still horrified. Don't get me wrong. I still don't sleep or eat or breath like a person should. I do everything with ears perked and a foot out the door - but it's not just about Him anymore. It's what He's done and what He's doing. It's about the person he's made me and what I've done to other people. That's the heart of it, really. What I've done to other people. 


I'll say it right now: what happened after the kidnapping was my fault. And Vinnie don't you sit there and say it isn't. Not a word from you. It's the truth and I won't have myself lie about it, or you either. I may not have realized it back then, but I grew up, didn't I? And there were at least ten years where I was competent enough to realize that if I loved you all so much I should have spared you by leaving. But I stayed, and now we're all scattered in the dark. 


I've accepted it. That's what I do: I accept everything. Things that I probably shouldn't. And that's the reason why I'm not dead or crazy, and why Gav's gone now.


If you're reading this - Vinnie dear, Lex - then this page has served it's purpose because Gav said if he ever left that we were to split up and find each other on the internet. You both ought to have opened those envelopes I gave you.


I'm not sure what this will turn into. I like the posterity angle, I think. I like remembering better than I do thinking ahead - mostly because it can only possibly get worse from here. And even when we were scared (not that we aren't now), there were better times. There was this odd sense of freedom to it, when it was quiet.  


Vinnie, hi darling. I'm doing just fine wherever I am, so sit tight for now. Contact me when you can.


Lex, don't do anything dumb, and don't forget your jackets everywhere. I'm not there to keep them for you. And don't drink so much soda.


Gav - well, I don't expect anything from you. I'm not sure if you left yourself or if you were taken or what happened. But I suspect you'll find me on your own when you can.


Oh, and I said I wouldn't mince words, but I'm not going to say it straight out. If you know, you know. But I'll say this much: I was taken, and I got away. Don't ask me how - I couldn't tell you if He let me go or if I escaped. It was woods somewhere, and as far as anyone knows I was missing for four days. I was seven years old. He's come and gone ever since - messed with me, messed with the people I love. Attacked and then disappeared. He is playing with me. And it's going to end badly. 


~ Daisy


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