Matter of Fact

I'm always interested in other people's reasons for writing these blogs. It's different for everyone. They say it's for posterity, for sanity, for reaching out to other people like them or for finding that single missing person. Some people do it out of obsession. For me, I think it's a little bit of each (except, thank goodness, obsession). It's something else too, though. Something much more simple: somebody asked me to. 


And Gav always said, "For f---'s sake, you've never minced words before. Don't start when you write this thing." So I'm not going to. 


You see, I'm passed the point of being afraid of Him, and lord I hope you never get here. Oh, yeah, I'm still horrified. Don't get me wrong. I still don't sleep or eat or breath like a person should. I do everything with ears perked and a foot out the door - but it's not just about Him anymore. It's what He's done and what He's doing. It's about the person he's made me and what I've done to other people. That's the heart of it, really. What I've done to other people. 


I'll say it right now: what happened after the kidnapping was my fault. And Vinnie don't you sit there and say it isn't. Not a word from you. It's the truth and I won't have myself lie about it, or you either. I may not have realized it back then, but I grew up, didn't I? And there were at least ten years where I was competent enough to realize that if I loved you all so much I should have spared you by leaving. But I stayed, and now we're all scattered in the dark. 


I've accepted it. That's what I do: I accept everything. Things that I probably shouldn't. And that's the reason why I'm not dead or crazy, and why Gav's gone now.


If you're reading this - Vinnie dear, Lex - then this page has served it's purpose because Gav said if he ever left that we were to split up and find each other on the internet. You both ought to have opened those envelopes I gave you.


I'm not sure what this will turn into. I like the posterity angle, I think. I like remembering better than I do thinking ahead - mostly because it can only possibly get worse from here. And even when we were scared (not that we aren't now), there were better times. There was this odd sense of freedom to it, when it was quiet.  


Vinnie, hi darling. I'm doing just fine wherever I am, so sit tight for now. Contact me when you can.


Lex, don't do anything dumb, and don't forget your jackets everywhere. I'm not there to keep them for you. And don't drink so much soda.


Gav - well, I don't expect anything from you. I'm not sure if you left yourself or if you were taken or what happened. But I suspect you'll find me on your own when you can.


Oh, and I said I wouldn't mince words, but I'm not going to say it straight out. If you know, you know. But I'll say this much: I was taken, and I got away. Don't ask me how - I couldn't tell you if He let me go or if I escaped. It was woods somewhere, and as far as anyone knows I was missing for four days. I was seven years old. He's come and gone ever since - messed with me, messed with the people I love. Attacked and then disappeared. He is playing with me. And it's going to end badly. 


~ Daisy


(X)