Thoughts, Because There's Time

He's backed off, for the time being, and I'm beginning to think about how this could possibly end. I still haven't heard from the boys, which makes me think that either they've got it much worse than I do, or they died before they got very far. As for G, well, I do my best to remember him and not think about where he might be now.

So, if somehow I surive this. If we're not all dead? I've never actually thought that far. Somehow I've always thought that we'll just go on with our guard up for the rest of our lives.

You wouldn't believe where I was if I told you, but it's nice here and it's quiet. It's not like the apartment at all. I think it's kind of chilly, for April, but there's been worse, these last couple of weeks. There's food, and internet access (obviously).

If I survived, I guess I would go home. If I could just have the boys with me again. Home and the boys. That's really all I could hope for. Besides not being dead. Sometimes, if He was just on the other side of the wall, and I could hear Him, with this barely audible scritching noise like bones on bones, I would imagine it was the boys trying to outscare each other. Pathetic, but it gets you through. Not being afraid is the best you can do - nigh impossible, but the best.

It's odd. I really feel almost numb about this all - just what's been going on. Disconnected from it, except that then I think about "What if they're dead," and "What if I found G but he wasn't?"

I need Vinnie. We could talk for hours and I'd feel a bit better.

~ Daisy

Tired

It's never been this bad before. In fact, now that I look back, it's almost as though it's never been bad at all. Not when you compare it to this, which is desolation and a fear of closing my eyes for even a moment. I have to keep moving. There has to be some far off point that He hasn't crossed over yet - some place that I can fortify. That apartment. I don't know. It's as though it's done something to me. Put a big honing beacon on my head, sunk some talons in.

No word yet from the boys, and all this has made me wonder if something's happened to G. He promised me once, you know, that he would make sure I never felt completely lost. And now that I do, as sentimental or superstitious or naive as it is, I wonder if he isn't gone now. Unable to keep that dumb little backyard vow.

He's a bleeding closet romantic, my G. Probably as sensitive as Vinnie, if not more. Lex would say they were both women, the lot of them, sometimes.

But, I need to be off again. I'm developing this sense for things, like a slight tug at the very back of my mind, to know when I'm being followed. It's starting to be there now.

~ Daisy

Brief Update~

I've been on the move, so no posts. Been running around town this past week - finally on a bus out of here, with some help. No word from any of the boys yet, though.

This town, apparently, was the exact one I should not have stopped in. Totally overrun. Of course, you wouldn't know that unless you already knew about you-know-who, so it's probably not that big of a problem yet.

I'm tired and probably not making sense, so I promise to be back and more coherent later.

~ Daisy
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Day Out

I'm getting out of the apartment again today. Apparently there's a reasonable band presence out here, so I'm going to look for some hot spots. Maybe a cafe or something I can carve a nook in, because there's definitely something that feels . . . It's hard to explain. I'm thinking of finding a new place to stay altogether. It's like the apartment's already been taken or something. It's like something's festering. At any rate, I'm not spending tonight here. Not after last night.

At least I'm good without my cane for today. I feel like it's going to rain though.

Hiding Out

Us Four (Gavin, Vinnie, Lex, and I) had our own sort of terror alert system, which didn't so much account for our level of watchfulness as it did for the level of wigging out we were doing.

1 - The least wigged out, which was those stretches of several days where it was as though there was really nothing the matter. No odd feelings, cold flashes, getting jumpy because we might have thought we saw something. Just total normalcy.

2 - Where we probably were the most often, if you take the length of time into account. Here wasn't much different from 1, except we stuck together more because there were those odd feelings and we did occasionally probably glimpse Him.

3 - We stayed in pairs because He would be lurking about town. We'd see Him one or two times a day, unless we were careful not to look.

4 - He'd be right outside, and we'd secure a part of the house and stay there together all day, trying to keep an eye on Him and wait Him out. It was like playing chicken, seeing which one of us would make a move first. Sometimes He would just leave, but not before coming right up to the windows or something.

5 - He comes in the house. Mad scramble. Shooting. Lex and Gavin yelling expletives at the top of their lungs, trying to out-do eachother. Get into the first car we see and drive without stoppping.

I think I'm somewhere about a 3 right now, except I have no one to pair off with so I'm trying to stay where there's a moderate amount of people, but not too many. Right now, though, everything's closed, so I'm on the floor in the kitchen eating chips and listening to the local rock station and pretending it's Gav and the boys.

- Daisy
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Nilla Wafers, Nutella, etc.

I'd forgotten how charming it was to just walk down to the local shop for groceries. It's was sunny out, so I decided to go even though it's a cane day for me. I've been buckled down. Four days in the apartment, making sure everything was good here. It's easy to fall into traps sometimes. But this place seems nice, and it was about time to be up and out.

This area of town's rather sleepy - just a few cars passed while I was walking, and one jogger. Only a handful of people at the store, too. I bought mostly boxed foods, and anything that's instructions basically amounted to boiling water. Not to mention stuff for sandwiches; the shop had a surprisingly thorough selection of bread.

When I'm with the boys, shopping's more like a NASCAR pit stop. I'm fairly certain Vinnie even started to keep times at one point. Everything slides between extremely hectic and ridiculously lazy when they're involved. And it's so, so quiet now that we've split up.

Matter of Fact

I'm always interested in other people's reasons for writing these blogs. It's different for everyone. They say it's for posterity, for sanity, for reaching out to other people like them or for finding that single missing person. Some people do it out of obsession. For me, I think it's a little bit of each (except, thank goodness, obsession). It's something else too, though. Something much more simple: somebody asked me to. 


And Gav always said, "For f---'s sake, you've never minced words before. Don't start when you write this thing." So I'm not going to. 


You see, I'm passed the point of being afraid of Him, and lord I hope you never get here. Oh, yeah, I'm still horrified. Don't get me wrong. I still don't sleep or eat or breath like a person should. I do everything with ears perked and a foot out the door - but it's not just about Him anymore. It's what He's done and what He's doing. It's about the person he's made me and what I've done to other people. That's the heart of it, really. What I've done to other people. 


I'll say it right now: what happened after the kidnapping was my fault. And Vinnie don't you sit there and say it isn't. Not a word from you. It's the truth and I won't have myself lie about it, or you either. I may not have realized it back then, but I grew up, didn't I? And there were at least ten years where I was competent enough to realize that if I loved you all so much I should have spared you by leaving. But I stayed, and now we're all scattered in the dark. 


I've accepted it. That's what I do: I accept everything. Things that I probably shouldn't. And that's the reason why I'm not dead or crazy, and why Gav's gone now.


If you're reading this - Vinnie dear, Lex - then this page has served it's purpose because Gav said if he ever left that we were to split up and find each other on the internet. You both ought to have opened those envelopes I gave you.


I'm not sure what this will turn into. I like the posterity angle, I think. I like remembering better than I do thinking ahead - mostly because it can only possibly get worse from here. And even when we were scared (not that we aren't now), there were better times. There was this odd sense of freedom to it, when it was quiet.  


Vinnie, hi darling. I'm doing just fine wherever I am, so sit tight for now. Contact me when you can.


Lex, don't do anything dumb, and don't forget your jackets everywhere. I'm not there to keep them for you. And don't drink so much soda.


Gav - well, I don't expect anything from you. I'm not sure if you left yourself or if you were taken or what happened. But I suspect you'll find me on your own when you can.


Oh, and I said I wouldn't mince words, but I'm not going to say it straight out. If you know, you know. But I'll say this much: I was taken, and I got away. Don't ask me how - I couldn't tell you if He let me go or if I escaped. It was woods somewhere, and as far as anyone knows I was missing for four days. I was seven years old. He's come and gone ever since - messed with me, messed with the people I love. Attacked and then disappeared. He is playing with me. And it's going to end badly. 


~ Daisy


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